The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:



1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.



Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.



2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.



Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.



3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.



It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”



4. Be brief and sincere.



It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.



5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.



Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.



6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.



7. Remember that each child is unique.



Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.



8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.



Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.



9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.



Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.



10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.



Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.



11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.



Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.



12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.



Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

If you have any questions feel free to ask us. Christmas and holiday day access is one of the biggest problems divorced dads face. The saddest thing are the number of calls we get at our offices from divorced dads for help to see their kids at Christmas.


It saddens me because I was one of those kids who did not see my dad during Christmas. My heart actually goes out to the kids. When you do not see your dad, you think you did something wrong as a kid. We all know that that is not the case. At Christmas time it even feels worse for the many kids who feel this way. My heart also goes out to these kids and their dads.


But here’s the problem the divorced dads face, they feel they are beaten before they even try. So many don’t bother trying. They are overcome with anguish and grief from missing their kids. For example, At least fully two-thirds of the fathers, grandmothers and grandparents that call us, not many of them have not really taken any action up to this point. That’s because they feel that it is totally hopeless and useless to do anything, because they have prejudged the outcome


Of course it is a difficult time. Here is the problem when you want to take action. What happens is the court system becomes a bottleneck and becomes even slower than it normally is, which is already slow, it is at a snail pace. It just makes the stress even worse that you are trying to rush things through and it is just not happening.


That’s why a lot of the people who called in to us are exasperated, frustrated because they don’t have a strategy or answers.


Many are very sad and angry with good reason: After they’ve spent tons and tons of money going through the legal system, they have still have not gotten to the solution that they are looking for, they are exasperated and do not really know what else to do. And now it’s Christmas.


Because these divorced dads are having a difficult time emotionally: They are not getting any kind of support from the system; they are not getting any kind of help from their lawyer that is effective, and as a result they are almost like lost souls. They just do not know what to do.


Most often, they have no strategy and that is huge part of the problem. With any problem in life, if you can sit down and try to actually map out a plan, that is always the best way of proceeding. It is not always easy to do because we are talking about our families here. It is hard to remove emotion, but helps to have a clear head and look at it strictly from a strategic point of view.


Another part of the problem is that most of the people who had called in have been provoked beyond reason, And that they are having a very, very difficult time too, especially when they are suffering all of the above symptoms of discrimination in Family Court.


So what’s the solution?


Coaching and solution focused mentoring that points a divorced dads in the right direction: Finding a father who has been successful in solving this particular problem is crucial, because then he can show what has already worked in his situation.


The important point is this exasperation won’t solve your problems, nor will frustration, nor anger. The # 1 thing successful divorced dads have in common is an open mind and a creative spirit. When there is seemingly no way possible, you must make a way


Like their children when they want something badly they never take NO for an answer. Neither should a divorced dad, no matter the obstacles or challenges. That’s the best present a divorced dad can give their child their can-do spirit the one that overcomes all odds.


That’s a gift a child can take with them all the days of their life.