Free Divorce Consultations » Support

Divorce Support For Parents: A Guided Parent Child Conversation

Divorce Lawyer — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 06:04:54 +0000

Children coping with divorce have difficulty because their perceptions of reality are forced to change. To understand their challenge, I have created a concept to help children and parents visualize the dilemma they face when confronted with these changes. It is called the “Lifeline;” that is, we live on a continuum which begins at birth and ends at death. Wherever we are at on the continuum, we tend to base our present beliefs and our future expectations on our past experience. Thus, we lead our daily lives needing the security of our past perceptions.

For children who are born into relatively healthy homes, life patterns are learned from their family and environment. They learn to anticipate tomorrow’s outcomes, based on today’s experience. The evidence from the past provides them with a picture of what will come next and makes them feel secure. When divorce occurs, they cannot incorporate the new information into their secure picture of the future. They feel at first as if they are floating aimlessly without an anchor.

Although there are healthy ways to tell children about divorce, children’s Lifelines are compromised as they receive this new information. Children’s past perception – that their mother and father loved each other – is called into question. Their assumptions that they will continue to live in their home with their parents, is altered. They feel like they have nothing left to base their now on. Thus parents need to help them regain their base and rebuild their Lifeline.

Following is a conversation you might have with children to help them cope:

Reconstruction of the Lifeline starts with a simple drawing. Draw a straight line ________ with an arrowhead on the left side > representing birth and an X on the right side representing death. Explain, “We don’t know how life will play out anymore than we know the end of a story in a book or movie. But generally we have a beginning,” you point to the arrow, “and an end,” point to the X.

Then draw a dot on the line, “Let’s say this is where you are on your Lifeline. You live everyday with an understanding of your world based on what you know about how things work in our family, at school, with friends, and in your activities.”

“When we told you that we were divorcing, you might have felt scared. You might have asked yourself, did mom and dad ever love each other? It could have made you question your past and feel that what you believed to be true just wasn’t true.” Then erase the line to the left of the dot. “It might have made you feel that your past wasn’t really true.”

“And I’ll bet that you also might have felt confused about the future. You have always lived with us in the same house and community. And you probably can’t imagine what it would feel like if it were different. So it feels like your future is unknown.” Then erase the future line. Add, “I understand that it might feel like everything has changed. The past doesn’t feel the same because you question what you thought. And the future doesn’t seem the same because we will have two homes and mom and dad won’t be married.”

Finally you can help your child redefine and redraw the past. “Yes, it is true that much has changed with the divorce. And sometimes when we have something big in our lives change it feels like everything is different. Let’s take a moment, however, to look at what stays the same.” Draw a staggered line – - – - – from birth to the present. “If we look at the past, we can be sure that mommy and daddy loved you. And we both loved each other for many years. We know that Grandma and Grandpa love you. Can we be sure about that?” A child might say, “Yes.” Then draw a little bit more of the lifeline. “We can also agree that you have many good friends at school and that you like many activities. We could agree that we’ve had good vacations too. We like our community and we live in a nice neighborhood where you have enjoyed playing and running around with friends. Am I correct so far?” Draw a bit more of the staggered line. “Okay, now you draw in more of the past and tell me about it?” As she tells facts about her life, she draws in more of the Lifeline. Although the line is never perfectly solid, she begins to visualize that even though her parents are divorcing, not everything is lost and she feels a bit more steady.

Now you help her redraw the future. Say, “If we were to look at what does not change in the past, then what do you think will carry over to the future?” She might say, “I’ll still have my sports.” And you say, “Yes, you will. So let’s draw some of that in.” And she continues to list those things that will remain the same. Some children will remain in their home and at their school. They will have the same friends and activities. These are anchors for children coping with divorce. As the child draws in more of the Lifeline from present to future, she gains stability. You might say, “It’s true that we cannot control or predict the future and this might make you feel uncomfortable. But we always have things that remain the same in the face of change and those things can make us feel safe and secure.”

Although some children need more in depth processing when faced with their parents’ divorce, many children respond well to the Lifeline framework. It gives parents and children a common language.

Support Groups for Divorce Recovery

Divorce Lawyer — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 08:33:57 +0000

What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?

As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.

Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.

Objectives

Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:

Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:

Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
Being actively involved in child’s life
Ensuring child knows everything about your new life

Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.

Short-term Goals

Setting up individual bank account
Reverting to maiden name on important documents
Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
Applying for individual credit card
Seeking a change in professional work status
Reducing expenses

Long-term and Medium Goals

Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
Remarrying
Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
Setting up a child maintenance trust

Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.

The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.

Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.

Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.

The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.

Child Support Contempt in Rhode Island (RI) By a Family and Divorce Law Attorney

Divorce Lawyer — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 01:18:46 +0000

Child support contempt in Rhode Island (RI)

If a person violates a Rhode Island Family Court order by not paying child support, the parent with physical custody may file a motion to hold that person in contempt for failure to pay child support. A person accused of not paying child support has a right to a hearing. The obligor parent has the right to proper notice under the Rhode Island Family Court Rules.

If the person owed child support (the parent with physical placement / custody) is on AFDC Benefits (welfare) than payment may be owed to the state of Rhode Island. In that event, the motion may be initiated by the State of Rhode Island, Child Support Enforcement rather than the father or mother with physical custody of the minor child.

A Child Support contempt proceeding could be part of a Rhode Island divorce, child custody, Complaint for separate Maintenance, dcyf petition, child visitation, paternity or other type of Family Court legal action. If there is a potential for incarceration and a person cannot afford a Rhode Island Family Law lawyer / attorney then the Family Court must insure that the person has an attorney representing him or her. The Judge usually has a list of Court Appointed attorneys who are paid for by the state. Otherwise, the Court will appoint one of the lawyers from Rhode Island Legal Services to represent the person.

There is often an opportunity to settle the matter prior to any hearing in which a judge may find a person in willful contempt. A settlement typically may include any one of the following or a combination of the following or something different: the obligor agreeing to remain current, paying a lump sum, a payment plan, staying current in addition to an arrearage order, etc.

In some situations, the parent with physical custody or Child Support enforcement is unwilling to settle the matter and insists on a hearing.

Technical contempt

If a person is found in technical contempt after a hearing, it means that the person has not complied with the child support order. However, the Court believes that the person had a legitimate reason or excuse for failure to pay, such as loss of job (being fired, laid off), decrease in income, disability, injured at work, unable to work, medical problems, or a myriad of other excuses or explanations. The judge also may not accept any of the above stated excuses as justification for failure to pay.

A person found to be in technical contempt will not be sentenced to the Adult Correctional Institution (aci) (jail)! However, the person may be ordered to find employment, raise a lump sum, stay current and / or make payments on the arrearage, pay attorneys fees, make certain lump sum payments, obtain a second job etc.

Most Judges have little patience for people who do not support their children. If the person has an excuse for nonpayment it better be a good one or they may find themselves in Jail. The amount of arrears and the person’s history for compliance or noncompliance is often crucial in a judge’s determination! If a person has a long history of nonpayment then that person has a much higher likelihood to be held in willful contempt.

The more a person owes the more likelihood that the person will be held in willful contempt.

At a hearing the judge will look at all relevant supporting documentation that has been offered into evidence. The judge will almost always ask what the person can pay at that moment or whether they are able to immediately borrow money from friends or family. The Usual Dialogue is – “how much can you come up with to stay out of Jail and how quickly can you pay?” The RI Family Court judge may also be interested in whether a person has assets that he or she can sell.

If a person’s circumstances change then they need to file a motion to modify or suspend their child support rather then not make the payments! Child support does not automatically modify upon circumstances changing. If a modification is granted then the modification will be retroactive to the date of filing of the motion to modify not the date the circumstances actually changed. This does not mean that a person can unilaterally change their child support when they file a motion. It means that the child support will run retroactive after the Family Court issues an order modifying the child support. Therefore, if a person loses their job, becomes disabled, their hours are reduced or their pay decreases they must immediately file a motion to modify.

Child support can only be changed or modified if a motion is filed and an order enters. In many instances the judge’s response to a person’s plea to not hold them in contempt because they lost their job or their income decreased will be something like: “you should have filed a motion to modify or suspend child support when your circumstances changed rather than not pay.”

Willful contempt

A finding of willful contempt means that the judge believes that a person is thumbing their nose at the Court or has no reasonable justification for nonpayment. It could result from the judge not believing that the stated excuse for nonpayment is a justifiable excuse. A finding of willful contempt could also mean the following: 1) the person has the ability to pay and has not made payment 2) the person has not made proper efforts to find suitable employment 3) the person is able to work yet either isn’t working, is underemployed or not making proper efforts to find employment.

The judge may believe that the contempt is willful because the person is lying, exaggerating his excuse or that the person is not acting in good faith.

If a person is found in willful contempt for not paying Rhode Island child support, the person could be sentenced to the aci from day to day. Contempt sanctions are technically not criminal proceedings! However, since the sanctions could lead to jail time, they are quasi criminal proceedings. Contempt proceedings are not technically criminal because they are intended to compel compliance with child support orders rather then punish for nonpayment!

If a person is sentenced to the aci from day to day, then the judge of the Rhode Island Family court will usually state that upon payment of certain amount the person will be released from jail. In child support contempt proceedings there is always a ticket out of jail by making a certain payment. A person could be held in willful contempt and not be sentenced to the aci.

Legal Notice per Rules of Professional Responsibility:

The Rhode Island Supreme Court licenses all lawyers in the general practice of law, but does not license or certify any lawyer as an expert or specialist in any field of practice.

Child Support Vs. Spousal Support: New California Divorce Law

Divorce Lawyer — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:21:57 +0000

A new California divorce law allows a spouse receiving income from child support to seek an increase in his or her spousal support upon the maturity of the minor child. This law, (Family Code §4326), which is set to terminate on January 1, 2011, considers the loss of child support income incurred by a parent when the child becomes no longer eligible for support, (e.g. reaches the age of 18 or graduates high school) to be a “change in circumstances” substantial enough to justify a request to modify their spousal support.

This new law presents a departure from prior court rulings. In a 1999 case, In re Marriage of Lautsbaugh (1999) 72 Cal.App.4th 1131, 85 Cal.Rptr.2d 688, a California Appeals Court reversed a decision granting a wife a $350 increase in her monthly support payments. The wife claimed such an increase was justified because her daughter had graduated from high school, and was no longer eligible for child support.

In reversing the trial court, the Court of Appeals reasoned that the loss of child support payments upon the daughter’s reaching maturity was contemplated by both parties during the initial divorce proceedings and was therefore an expected change. The court went to state that a change previously accounted for, cannot justify an increase in spousal support. In the end, the court held that when the daughter graduated, her father’s child support obligations terminated.

While the rationale of the Court of Appeals makes sense, the new law effectively nullifies Lautsbaugh and seemingly broadens the definition of a “material change” to include previously contemplated events. In addition, the provision interrelates the two types of support, which have been historically separate and should remain that way.

Although this current state of the law does not go so far as to require California family courts to now consider modifying a spouse’s support anytime a change in financial status occurs, it definitely eases the burden of proof. Whether the parent will be required to show that their expenses, and not those of the child, justify a change in support, remains to be seen. Whatever the eventual outcome, Family Code §4326 will likely be a source of much debate in the coming years, especially if it remains in effect after January 2011.

Divorce Advice: Child Support and Alimony (part 3 of 4)

Divorce Lawyer — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 08:22:35 +0000

Alimony and child support are important aspects of a divorce case and involve ensuring the financial stability of both spouses and the children. Alimony is designed to limit the unfair economic effects of a divorce by providing continuing income to the non-wage-earning or lower-wage-earning spouse. A court sets the amount of alimony it concludes is fair and reasonable to be paid for a period of time. The amount of alimony that must be paid is usually based on the standard of living established and expected during the marriage, the age and health of the spouses, the obligations and assets of each spouse, the length of the marriage, and a number of other factors that may vary by state. Unlike child support, which is determined according to rigid guidelines, courts have considerable discretion in determining if they will award alimony and, if they do, the amount and time period for which it lasts.

Child support is the ongoing obligation for a periodic payment made directly or indirectly by a non-custodial parent to a custodial parent, caregiver or guardian, or the government, for the care and support of children of a relationship or marriage that has been terminated. Child support may be awarded in joint custody cases when there is a significant discrepancy between the parents’ incomes. Exact conditions for eligibility of child support and guidelines for the calculation of child support vary from state to state, but generally take into consideration the needs of the child, the needs of the custodial parent, the paying parent’s ability to pay, and the standard of living the child was accustomed to before the divorce. If alimony has been awarded, that amount is deducted from the payer’s income and added to the payee’s income when child support is being calculated.

Tip #1: There is no formula for determining alimony. According to divorce lawyer Peter Paras, “Alimony is really more art than science and it, it results from a consideration of a variety of statutory factors. Courts and lawyers have to consider the duration of the marriage, the age of the parties, their incomes, their assets, their liabilities, their lifestyles, their health, whether or not any of their assets generate income. These are all factors that have to be considered in determining whether alimony is to be paid and, if so, whether it’s going to be permanent, rehabilitative, or limited duration alimony and in what amount.”

Tip #2: Child support may continue after the child has reached the age of 18 under certain circumstances. Technically, the non-custodial parent’s obligation continues until the child is emancipated. “Children are emancipated at different times,” explains divorce lawyer Peter Paras. “Typically they’re emancipated when they reach the age of 18 and have graduated from high school, but emancipation is often delayed while a child finishes a higher education, such as four years of college, trade school, or something of that nature. That’s when the obligation technically ends.” Child support may also be extended beyond the age of 18 if the child has special needs. If the child has been declared emancipated by a court prior to reaching the age of 18, is on active military duty, or the parents’ rights and responsibilities have been terminated for any other reason, child support payments may be discontinued.

Tip #3: Understand that there are different types of alimony. Limited duration alimony usually applies to cases in which the marriage is too short to justify permanent alimony. Rehabilitative alimony is designed to provide financial assistance to the more economically dependent spouse while he or she becomes more financially independent by getting job training, building up work history, or furthering education. Permanent alimony is typically paid when there is a long term marriage, but it is important to note that permanent alimony is not always permanent. Divorce attorney Peter Paras explains, “Permanent alimony is somewhat of a misnomer in that it probably would be better termed indefinite alimony. It can end or be modified is circumstances change in the future.” Examples of changes in circumstances that could be grounds for the cessation of permanent alimony include the remarriage of the recipient, the death of the payer, or cohabitation of the recipient with someone of the opposite sex.

Divorce cases involve many different types of issues, including preparing for your divorce, child custody and visitation, and assets and property, all of which will be addressed in this series.

For more divorce advice, refer back to Parts 1 and 2 of this series and look for the upcoming final installment:

Part 1: Divorce Advice: Preparing for Your Divorce
Part 2: Divorce Advice: Child Custody and Child Visitation
Part 4: Divorce Advice: Assets and Property Division