Children coping with divorce have difficulty because their perceptions of reality are forced to change. To understand their challenge, I have created a concept to help children and parents visualize the dilemma they face when confronted with these changes. It is called the “Lifeline;” that is, we live on a continuum which begins at birth and ends at death. Wherever we are at on the continuum, we tend to base our present beliefs and our future expectations on our past experience. Thus, we lead our daily lives needing the security of our past perceptions.

For children who are born into relatively healthy homes, life patterns are learned from their family and environment. They learn to anticipate tomorrow’s outcomes, based on today’s experience. The evidence from the past provides them with a picture of what will come next and makes them feel secure. When divorce occurs, they cannot incorporate the new information into their secure picture of the future. They feel at first as if they are floating aimlessly without an anchor.

Although there are healthy ways to tell children about divorce, children’s Lifelines are compromised as they receive this new information. Children’s past perception – that their mother and father loved each other – is called into question. Their assumptions that they will continue to live in their home with their parents, is altered. They feel like they have nothing left to base their now on. Thus parents need to help them regain their base and rebuild their Lifeline.

Following is a conversation you might have with children to help them cope:

1. Reconstruction of the Lifeline starts with a simple drawing. Draw a straight line ________ with an arrowhead on the left side > representing birth and an X on the right side representing death. Explain, “We don’t know how life will play out anymore than we know the end of a story in a book or movie. But generally we have a beginning,” you point to the arrow, “and an end,” point to the X.
2. Then draw a dot on the line, “Let’s say this is where you are on your Lifeline. You live everyday with an understanding of your world based on what you know about how things work in our family, at school, with friends, and in your activities.”
3. “When we told you that we were divorcing, you might have felt scared. You might have asked yourself, did mom and dad ever love each other? It could have made you question your past and feel that what you believed to be true just wasn’t true.” Then erase the line to the left of the dot. “It might have made you feel that your past wasn’t really true.”
4. “And I’ll bet that you also might have felt confused about the future. You have always lived with us in the same house and community. And you probably can’t imagine what it would feel like if it were different. So it feels like your future is unknown.” Then erase the future line. Add, “I understand that it might feel like everything has changed. The past doesn’t feel the same because you question what you thought. And the future doesn’t seem the same because we will have two homes and mom and dad won’t be married.”
5. Finally you can help your child redefine and redraw the past. “Yes, it is true that much has changed with the divorce. And sometimes when we have something big in our lives change it feels like everything is different. Let’s take a moment, however, to look at what stays the same.” Draw a staggered line – - – - – from birth to the present. “If we look at the past, we can be sure that mommy and daddy loved you. And we both loved each other for many years. We know that Grandma and Grandpa love you. Can we be sure about that?” A child might say, “Yes.” Then draw a little bit more of the lifeline. “We can also agree that you have many good friends at school and that you like many activities. We could agree that we’ve had good vacations too. We like our community and we live in a nice neighborhood where you have enjoyed playing and running around with friends. Am I correct so far?” Draw a bit more of the staggered line. “Okay, now you draw in more of the past and tell me about it?” As she tells facts about her life, she draws in more of the Lifeline. Although the line is never perfectly solid, she begins to visualize that even though her parents are divorcing, not everything is lost and she feels a bit more steady.
6. Now you help her redraw the future. Say, “If we were to look at what does not change in the past, then what do you think will carry over to the future?” She might say, “I’ll still have my sports.” And you say, “Yes, you will. So let’s draw some of that in.” And she continues to list those things that will remain the same. Some children will remain in their home and at their school. They will have the same friends and activities. These are anchors for children coping with divorce. As the child draws in more of the Lifeline from present to future, she gains stability. You might say, “It’s true that we cannot control or predict the future and this might make you feel uncomfortable. But we always have things that remain the same in the face of change and those things can make us feel safe and secure.”

Although some children need more in depth processing when faced with their parents’ divorce, many children respond well to the Lifeline framework. It gives parents and children a common language.

What is a Divorce Recovery Support Group?



As the name suggests, it is a support group for divorcer. The group comprises of many divorcers who get together under the trained guidance of therapists and divorce counsellors to discuss their mutual situations. The group provides support and guidance to divorcers about their newfound life status. The group follows a format of discussion, introspection and frank communication.



Divorcers are encouraged to talk about their personal divorce experiences. A feeling of companionship is created. Divorcers share and give advice to each other. The divorce recovery support group is based on the knowledge that shared information and advice among fellow members have more impact than individual professional intervention. Divorcers get to know where they went wrong and where they are going wrong. The group also acts as a meeting place. Divorcers meet like-minded people and are able to strike friendships.

Objectives

Set Short Term and Long Term Goals: The divorce recovery support group helps a divorcer to devise a new plan for his or her new life. It helps the divorcer to adjust to the new situation. It propels the divorcer to look within and chart new priorities and expectations. These include:

Dealing with Child Custody Issues: The group helps the divorcer to come to terms with reality. It teaches the individual acceptance especially in the case of child custody. The divorcer realizes that he or she should not divorce the child. The child should always form top priority no matter what the situation. The divorcer has to keep in constant touch with the child. The divorcer outlines following guidelines after opening up to members of the recovery group:

• Continuous direct communication through physical visits, emails, phones and letters
• Conducting a cordial relationship with ex in front of child
• Not criticizing or abusing, blaming ex in front of child
• Maintaining and following court ordered visitation schedules regularly
• Being actively involved in child’s life
• Ensuring child knows everything about your new life

Developing Financial Goals: The divorcer has to create new financial targets. These fall into three categories of short-term and immediate targets, medium and long-term goals. The divorcer determines these goals in accordance with importance. He or she has to decide what has to be achieved at once and what can be achieved slowly. The recovery group helps the divorcer realize that the achievement of short-term goals ensures the fulfilment of long-term goals.

Short-term Goals

• Setting up individual bank account
• Reverting to maiden name on important documents
• Changing residence and leasing a house which will have a separate room for the child
• Applying for individual credit card
• Seeking a change in professional work status
• Reducing expenses

Long-term and Medium Goals

• Meeting new people and developing/ widening social circle
• Dating leading to physically intimate encounters
• Remarrying
• Getting involved in enjoyable hobbies and interests
• Making new investments i.e. purchasing a new house
• Investing in bonds and financial schemes to increase personal income
• Setting up a child maintenance trust

Physical Changes: The recovery group holds that a divorcer has to let go of emotional baggage before starting a new chapter of life. Getting a physical makeover forms a big part of this initiative. The support group forces a divorcer to quit depression and regain self-esteem. Usually, groups of divorcers visit a parlour and get a makeover done at the same time. This increases the communal feeling of not being alone. It also allows the divorcer to share private marital information in a non-structured environment.



The logic is that a physical change helps the divorcer to regain his or her self-belief and confidence. Adjustment on an emotional and cognitive level can only come if the individual feels confident about physical self.

Online Divorce Recovery Groups: Nowadays online divorce recovery groups are making headway. These groups do not focus on a single area. They deal with divorcers during and after divorce. They provide online lectures on life post-divorce. The online classes also help divorcers to be informed about divorce law and amendments.



Usually, divorcers and individuals intending to get divorced, divorce counsellors and therapists form part of the group. Online recovery groups afford privacy and convenience. It often happens that divorcers or couples trying to file papers feel embarrassed about face-to-face contact. It could also be that some divorcers feel ashamed to talk about personal feelings and thoughts in front of other people. Online groups step in allowing the individual to heal oneself privately.



The group provides information about legal procedures and documents. It also garners support for populous issues of child custody and spousal maintenance.