Recognising the traumatic situation, children are in; divorce courts pay utmost importance to child welfare. Other than deciding child custodial issues, the legal process is also interested in child residential issues. Placing paramount importance to child welfare, the parents, mediators or the court might arrive at different decisions best suited to each individual case.

Splitting Siblings to Live With Different Parents



Each family is unique. In families where there are more than one or two children, each parent might decide to each take a child. This may be the best decision in the given circumstances, but splitting siblings is not good. Over the years, siblings form a common bond and turn role models and best friends to each other. They suffer much in the absence of the other.



If circumstances necessitate their separation, every effort must be made to reduce their pain. They should be enabled to maintain a regular contact with each other. Maximum separation anxiety is felt immediately after separation. This stage should be carefully handled.



As separation induces pain, parents are experimenting with a new concept called ‘nestling’ in a bid to protect their children from the pangs of separation.

Nestling – A New Concept



Children find it painful to vacate and relocate to a different place with their custodial parent. Even after relocating with the lone parent; they have to keep commuting between the houses of both their parents.



Constant travel is difficult. Parents realising the pain such disruption offers, leave the children in the marital home and shift to individual residences outside. They take turns in visiting the children every week.



This new concept of nestling does not enjoy long tenure success. Parents find it difficult to change residence every few days. This difficulty in commuting becomes more difficult when either parent remarries. Leaving behind the spouse and step children (if any) for even a few days every week proves difficult to manage.



Such disruption evokes mere silence from younger children, while, the older children (teenagers)react with anger.

How Teenagers React



The disruption in living arrangements and lifestyle in general, affects children but teenagers are more vociferous in their displeasure. They like children of all other age groups feel they are responsible for their parental divorce. The helplessness of their parental separation leaves them angry and they tend to blame one parent. Usually, the custodial parent bears the brunt of anger. Majority of teenagers seek solace in the false power of anger to deal with the negativity of divorce.



Parents can help their teenaged children, by taking care to not make them a part of the conflict. Parents generally make the mistake of repeatedly questioning the children about the ex spouse. Some even speak negatively about their ex in a bid to alienate the children. Such acts must be avoided.

Reactions of Other Family Members



Grandparent and grandchildren relationships are precious and every person looks forward to grand parenting. Arrival of tiny children at home gives all grandparents a second chance at parenting.



However, this much longed for relationship develops impediments by the acrimonious divorce of their offspring. Bitter divorce fights completely alienates grandparents from their grandchildren. Contact further diminishes if children are forced to relocate with their custodial parent to a different place. Geographical and emotional distance prevents children from bonding with their grandparents. They thus lose valuable grandparental love.



Divorce thus affects each and every family member including the pets.

Pet Visitation



The law treats pets as property. Couples have to work out their own arrangements regarding the time either gets to spend with the pet and also the sharing of pet maintenance expenditure. If there are children in the family, it is best to leave the pet in the same house as the children.



Divorce affects everyone in the family – children, grandparents, and even pets. Every effort is being made to minimise child discomfort. Each arrangement has certain inherent drawbacks. Nothing can be comparable to the warmth and secure atmosphere provided by a two parent family and an undivided home.

The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:



1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.



Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.



2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.



Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.



3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.



It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”



4. Be brief and sincere.



It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.



5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.



Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.



6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.



7. Remember that each child is unique.



Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.



8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.



Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.



9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.



Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.



10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.



Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.



11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.



Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.



12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.



Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.