We all begin the divorce process convinced that everything is the other spouse’s fault. All of the pain is a direct result of their bad behavior. Your ex is acting in complete disregard for your feelings. If your ex would only behave the divorce would go more smoothly. That you might have a part in this mess doesn’t even occur to you. No, your spouse is to blame. He is one who cheated, lied, and betrayed you. How could you be responsible?

But when the dust settles you may start asking yourself some difficult questions. Was it really all your ex’s fault? Was there anything you might have done or not done that could have contributed to this divorce?

This is where it gets tough. No one likes to think that they were responsible in any way for the failure of their marriage. It just has to be your ex’s fault. Don’t you have that long list of sins? 

How could anyone draw a different conclusion?

Chances are that in most ways you are right, and your ex is wrong. Some of his actions might seem unforgivable. So, after all of the stress, heartache, and pain, why bother to accept any blame?
If you look inward instead of outward, you will be able to take control. With this power you will emerge from your divorce with greater insight, and valuable lessons for any future relationship.

Only a victim looks at an ex-spouse and says: “Because of you I do not trust anyone. Because of you my life is empty. Because of you I am in pain.” In doing that, the victim gives her ex-husband a controlling power over her behavior. You are making your ex responsible for your life. In saying: 

“It’s not my fault,” you are holding yourself back from the hard work of recovery. The longer you harbor this victim mentality, the longer you will deny yourself a chance at the life you deserve to live.

Don’t hide from yourself. Dig deep into the memory of your past actions. Look at them, learn from them, and let them go. Forgive yourself. Until you do that you won’t find forgiveness for anyone. Once you do it you might be pleasantly surprised that the anger you feel for your spouse is diminishing.

The willingness to let go of the past, and truly move on to a better place, is the key to peace and happiness.

At some time or another, a lot of married people find themselves thinking about divorce. During these times they are usually at a very low point in their relationship where they feel frustrated, angry… In most cases, these thoughts of divorce are transient and typically disappear once the issues causing the stress and conflict reside.


But it is when thinking about divorce becomes a recurrent or ongoing preoccupation, that the viability of a relationship needs some serious consideration. It is when being in the relationship becomes a burden with little or no apparent benefits that it becomes very clear that there is little reason to keep it going.


At times like this, people are challenged to consider options – whether to stay married or to divorce. The decision to stay in a marriage is a personal one. No one can make that decision, but you. What may be intolerable for one person may be reasonably okay for the next. In the end, each person will have his or her own reasons for staying or leaving a marriage based on their own needs and circumstances.


There is a lot at stake in making the decision to stay married or divorce. Rarely, do people wake up one morning and impulsively decide they have had enough. Generally speaking, the decision to end a marriage is a very difficult and painful one to make. Even though divorce rates are at an all time high, society in general, still values being married. As such, the decision to divorce does not come easily. Aside from consideration such as children, money and assets, letting go of hopes and dreams can be extremely difficult.


In assessing your future and whether or not to stay married, it is best to take your time and avail yourself of marriage and divorce resources to help you in this important process.

Many a couple has vowed that their divorce would be different. Civil, harmonious with a settlement that is win-win for both participants. They calmly acknowledge that while they are breaking up it is just one of those things where it’s everybody’s fault and at the same time no one bears the blame. One thing they guarantee to themselves and each other is no matter what they will remain the best of friends.

And then it happens. A minor conversation takes a wrong twist. Maybe a piece of bric-a-brac that the two of them picked out together suddenly becomes the center of their universe. Or deciding who the kids are going to live with turns into a heated exchange. Whatever the cause, the result is war.

Now anything or anyone becomes a weapon to destroy the other person. Old wounds and exaggerated slights are reopened with a vengeance. Even issues that were resolved a long time ago make a comeback but this time with a new slant; it was not resolved to either or both spouse’s satisfaction.

All of this forms into one giant snowball picking up size and speed as it accelerates into the nearest divorce court. By the time it settles both parties are not only out to win but destroy the other person.

The judge listens as the anger, frustration and hate are spewed out in nicely worded legal talk. The most intimate details of the marriage are thrown open to the public. So what if it’s something that has no bearing as to what’s going on right now? For many couples the look of embarrassment and hurt on the other one’s face is worth it. Yet when the other person returns fire in an equally vicious manner, cries of foul echo throughout the court room.    

As it drags on each side digs a little bit deeper into their arsenal to hopefully deliver the ultimate knock out punch. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

For more than a few couples enough is enough. Just get it over with so they can move on with their lives. Yet for far too many others, they have not even scratched the surface when it comes to inflicting pain and humiliation. As far as they are concerned these are just the preliminaries. Wait until the main event gets under way.

Yet one thing becomes absolutely clear. No matter what the settlement both sides have lost. The antagonism and ill feeling are going to remain for a long time. If the two parties must for whatever reason deal with each other in the future, you can expect the war to start all over again.  

This is end of marriage by other reason rather than death. There was a time that divorce was very rare and uncommon encounter, but today seems to be the best way out for couples with marital problems. It is challenging experience that one has to go through. Since you married the person you desire to be the best companion in life .however, today society have accepted it. Most marriages hardly survive for more than eleven years.

Divorce has become the best option for those couple with difficulty living together. The leading ground for breaking marriage is adultery. Others include financial crisis, early marriage below 23 yrs, late marriage above 35yrs where both had painful past though mature, unsatisfied sexual life, poor communication, lack of commitment, being irresponsible, dramatic emotional changes, physical and mental abuses.

Research and studies shows that, for those people who come from divorced home may end up just like them. Since it will a common experience. Also for those who had been brought up by a single parent due to different reason, most of them grow with attitude that they can also make it alone. Instead, they will not bother to make marriage work.

To prevent you’re hard earned marriage from breaking. Commit it to God and he will lead you all the way in all you do, no problem is too big him. Make a habit of praying as a family and surely devil will never get a chance to destroy your marriage. Try and have time with your family because it will beat the logic to spend a lot of time earning for your marriage and end up growing apart every moment.



Recognising the traumatic situation, children are in; divorce courts pay utmost importance to child welfare. Other than deciding child custodial issues, the legal process is also interested in child residential issues. Placing paramount importance to child welfare, the parents, mediators or the court might arrive at different decisions best suited to each individual case.

Splitting Siblings to Live With Different Parents



Each family is unique. In families where there are more than one or two children, each parent might decide to each take a child. This may be the best decision in the given circumstances, but splitting siblings is not good. Over the years, siblings form a common bond and turn role models and best friends to each other. They suffer much in the absence of the other.



If circumstances necessitate their separation, every effort must be made to reduce their pain. They should be enabled to maintain a regular contact with each other. Maximum separation anxiety is felt immediately after separation. This stage should be carefully handled.



As separation induces pain, parents are experimenting with a new concept called ‘nestling’ in a bid to protect their children from the pangs of separation.

Nestling – A New Concept



Children find it painful to vacate and relocate to a different place with their custodial parent. Even after relocating with the lone parent; they have to keep commuting between the houses of both their parents.



Constant travel is difficult. Parents realising the pain such disruption offers, leave the children in the marital home and shift to individual residences outside. They take turns in visiting the children every week.



This new concept of nestling does not enjoy long tenure success. Parents find it difficult to change residence every few days. This difficulty in commuting becomes more difficult when either parent remarries. Leaving behind the spouse and step children (if any) for even a few days every week proves difficult to manage.



Such disruption evokes mere silence from younger children, while, the older children (teenagers)react with anger.

How Teenagers React



The disruption in living arrangements and lifestyle in general, affects children but teenagers are more vociferous in their displeasure. They like children of all other age groups feel they are responsible for their parental divorce. The helplessness of their parental separation leaves them angry and they tend to blame one parent. Usually, the custodial parent bears the brunt of anger. Majority of teenagers seek solace in the false power of anger to deal with the negativity of divorce.



Parents can help their teenaged children, by taking care to not make them a part of the conflict. Parents generally make the mistake of repeatedly questioning the children about the ex spouse. Some even speak negatively about their ex in a bid to alienate the children. Such acts must be avoided.

Reactions of Other Family Members



Grandparent and grandchildren relationships are precious and every person looks forward to grand parenting. Arrival of tiny children at home gives all grandparents a second chance at parenting.



However, this much longed for relationship develops impediments by the acrimonious divorce of their offspring. Bitter divorce fights completely alienates grandparents from their grandchildren. Contact further diminishes if children are forced to relocate with their custodial parent to a different place. Geographical and emotional distance prevents children from bonding with their grandparents. They thus lose valuable grandparental love.



Divorce thus affects each and every family member including the pets.

Pet Visitation



The law treats pets as property. Couples have to work out their own arrangements regarding the time either gets to spend with the pet and also the sharing of pet maintenance expenditure. If there are children in the family, it is best to leave the pet in the same house as the children.



Divorce affects everyone in the family – children, grandparents, and even pets. Every effort is being made to minimise child discomfort. Each arrangement has certain inherent drawbacks. Nothing can be comparable to the warmth and secure atmosphere provided by a two parent family and an undivided home.

Lack of Communication

One of the largest problems within a marriage is a lack of communication. Couples who are successfully and happily married converse throughout the day. While this communication doesn’t have to be a heartfelt, drawn-out conversation, it is vital to the marriage. By having this conversation, we are able to identify with our spouses. When this breaks down, whether it’s from hostility or the daily chores that come with life – we are no longer able to identify with our spouses in the way we need to.

Finances/Debt

This is another leading cause of divorce. Couples who have differences or problems when it comes to money are particularly vulnerable to divorce. When there is financial strain within a relationship, couples are stressed out, frustrated and may disagree on where the existing money goes. This is enough to break the bonds to a point where the marriage is ruined.

Infidelity

Whether infidelity occurs from sexual boredom or anger in a marriage, it is the most common reason for divorce. Often, even if it is a mistake and the cheating spouse wants to work things out, the victim spouse is unable to get over the hurt they have felt. Trying to keep things spicy in the relationship can really help prevent infidelity.

Abuse

Abuse is another common cause of divorce. Whether that abuse is physical, emotional or verbal – it happens more than we would probably like to think. Of course, if a person is abusive at all to his or her spouse, the spouse should leave right away. If anger or hostility is a problem, professional help may help salvage the marriage.

Instincts

Quite possibly the scariest reason of all is pure instinct. Humans biologically prefer to stay with one mate for around seven years before pairing up with another. In this case, couples may become distant, bored or uninterested in their spouses. Keeping things interesting, exciting and fun can help with this issue.

Knowing the top 5 reasons for divorce can really help you prevent these things from happening in your marriage. As you work to nurture your marriage and keep it healthy, keep these top 5 reasons in mind. When you actively work to prevent these problems, you will have a healthier, happier marriage. ]]> http://freedivorceconsultation.2send.me/divorce-help-top-5-reasons-couples-get-divorced/feed/ 0 http://freedivorceconsultation.2send.me/divorce-preparation-protecting-your-finances/ http://freedivorceconsultation.2send.me/divorce-preparation-protecting-your-finances/#comments Sat, 26 Dec 2009 08:01:11 +0000 Divorce Lawyer http://freedivorceconsultation.2send.me/divorce-preparation-protecting-your-finances/

When you take a good long hard look at your marriage and have come to the conclusion that divorce is in your near term future, this is a great time to be thinking about your financial future and how to protect as much of your finances and assets as possible. You need to be doing this prior to starting divorce proceedings because after you’ve started the process, you may be severely limited as to what you can do financially that would be seen as benefiting you personally.



In talking with your spouse, if it appears that the divorce is going to be a friendly one, also known an uncontested divorce, this may be unnecessary but it is still a good idea. Even the best of friends can part ways in a hurry if there is money at stake.



Sit down with your spouse and determine where you can cut back, starting immediately, so that you can keep more money in your pocket. Perhaps you can just get a Sunday delivery of the newspaper instead of daily. Maybe you can reduce your cable TV bill by removing the premium movie channel option. Depending on how the divorce proceedings work out, you may need the money you are saving here via these reductions.



One thing that many do not think about but which is critical is that you should close all your joint credit cards. If you still need the credit card, then you can contact the credit card issuer and ask them to reissue a card that is just in your name instead of in both of your names. As time goes on, if your spouse gets upset with you, this would prevent them from going on a shopping spree to charge all your credit cards to the hilt, where you would end up being responsible for at least half of the balance due, if not all of it.



You should also close any joint bank accounts that you may have. When you open a new account, do so at a different bank in your area. If you have been with the same bank for a long time, there is a chance that your spouse could withdraw the entire balance of the account just because the teller happens to recognize your spouse by sight. Legally this should not happen but it does happen, so take steps to prevent it.



If you are like most people and your employer has a 401k program or some type of retirement or pension program that you contribute to, contact your employer about temporarily stopping your contributions to that program. Remember, in worst case, your spouse will get half of that, so there is no sense in continuing to put more money into it. You can resume your contributions after your divorce is finalized.



Be smart about your divorce preparation. If you prepare for the worst, then you are ready and hopefully things will not go totally south. Even if it looks like the divorce will be friendly and uncontested, things can change in a heartbeat and there is no reason to leave yourself exposed financially.



Judges tend to be more sympathetic with wives, especially mothers, and give importance to their plight while deciding the case. They take into account their financial situation and emotional troubles. In most divorce situations, women are assigned child custody by the court and the husband is directed to pay her alimony for their upkeep.



There are many reasons for this. Women and children have a very strong bond that is unmatched by any other relationship. The former are also considered more sensitive, tender and caring than men as far as interacting with the kids is concerned. Children also respond to mothers naturally and seek them for protection and comfort. Usually, men live separately from the family after divorce and are allowed to see children once a week or so through visitation rights.



Divorce is a different ballgame for men and they have to tackle different challenges. For them, the family split is a costly affair. They often have to move out of the house and seek new accommodation. Apart from this, the family assets are divided among partners and they have to pay a good chunk of their income as alimony to their ex-wife until the children are grown up or she remarries.



Women have one major advantage after divorce. They have full-time access to kids because of child custody. Due to this, mothers often give their own twist and interpretation to their divorce story and may fill the kids with bitterness or hatred for their fathers. This is almost like psychological warfare which weakens the already tenuous bond between dads and kids.



It is actually a myth that men have a thick skin compared to women and are hardly affected by the various ups and downs of their lives. The reality is that the former are as emotional as women. They have the same feelings as the fairer sex. It is only that men have been conditioned to not show their emotions in public.



This is because there are other people (wives, children, sisters, mothers, younger siblings) who look up to men for support and protection. If the latter show their tender side in public and become emotionally perturbed in front of everyone, the rest of people become insecure and panic.



This is the reason why men do not generally show their emotions publicly, and those who do are considered somewhat unmanly. But men who are sensitive by nature suffer as much as women do when the divorce takes place. For one, they do not get child custody and are forced to meet their kids occasionally, strictly at the frequency decided by the court.



It has often been observed that many men after divorce also suffer from health problems. If the divorce was filed by their spouse, they are totally unprepared for the emotional trauma inflicted on them for no fault of theirs. They feel betrayed and rejected and slip into chronic depression. Many are forced to seek professional treatment to come out of their condition.



For a child’s normal upbringing, it is essential that he or she get love and affection equally from both the parents. Mothers offer them emotional security and support and act as their confidante, while fathers teach them discipline and give them guidance in worldly matters.



Fathers are actually regarded as the main role model by children, especially the boys. It has been found in various studies that teenage children from divorced families not living with their fathers have more behavioural and psychological problems compared to those supervised by their dads.



It is a myth that single fathers cannot bring up children on their own, but single mothers can. Today, more and more dads are willing to accept child custody and bring up the kids on their own. But for this, they have to make some changes in their lifestyle and take some measures at home. If the kids are small, then they have to look for a crèche or hire a reliable baby sitter who can take care of the children in their absence.



Single fathers should keep one thing in mind. They can never replace mothers. It is just not possible. So it is better to be honest with the kids and try to be as good a father as they can. The children will understand the situation and accept the reality that their mother is no longer with them.

When you have just settled your divorce, it is hard to imagine staying friends with your ex spouse. There are still so many issues on the table and so many important things to fight over. Your world may feel like falling apart, and friendship with your ex spouse is the last thing on your mind. Keep the following considerations in mind and maybe you can open up your heart and work out a comfortable friendship with your ex spouse.



The first thing you should do is maintain a sense of dignity and respect during negotiations with your spouse. Stay calm and keep emotions out of the discussions. It is hard as both are hurt over the past marital problems and unsolved issues. If you can’t continue discussing, choose to stop, and continue later when you feel more comfortable. Time will heal all hurt. If you cannot deal with your ex face to face, a lawyer or mediator will come in handy.



Once divorced, you have to compromise, even if you do not like it. By compromising, you can work out how the assets will be divided, child custody, and who gets what decisions. It is important to be understanding that sometimes something is more important to your spouse than to you, for example family heirloom passed down from generations. Being considerate and willing to compromise will naturally make your spouse doing the same for you.



Being divorced means living separately. You have no rights to comment how and who your ex should start living from now on. New interests, hobbies and new partners are off limits to you. What it simply means, is you and your ex should be moving on, meeting new people and dating new people without judgments from one another. Being overly friendly and knowing too much will have the same negative impacts as well. So, maintain some space and know your boundaries.



The last but not the least, stop bickering or complaining to your friends and relatives on how bad you were treated by your ex. I am sure they have heard enough. Since the marriage is over and the divorced settled, I think there is no reason to speak negatively of your ex. Concerned friends might ask why you are divorcing and prying questions that you want to avoid. Simply be nice and smile and move the topic to something else to reduce risk of offending anyone. Short and general answers like ‘we grew apart’ are best used to help to keep the questions at bay. You do not have to avoid functions that both you and your ex are both invited. Present yourself as confident and happy, and remember you do not have to answer a question just because it is asked, especially if it is personal.



Divorce is common nowadays. People are more acceptable and forgiving than ever before. The most important point is to move on and start living a new life. Put the hurt and past behind and maintain in good terms with your ex spouse for the sake of common friends and children, if any.