Why is the UK drawing so much attention? Divorce rates are high in a few other West European nations too. What is drawing statisticians down here is the rapidly changing demographic contours of the nation. The statistics reveal a people moving through a time of great flux. The very fact that this data is being considered as an important matter of study is itself an indication of the opinion of a generation.

A History of the Relations



Only 2% of men and women born before 1930 cohabited before marriage. By the 1960’s, the number rose to 50%. Around the middle of the 1980’s, the attitude towards cohabitation changed massively. This was when we were poised at the brink of the digital age, the concept of retail was changing, home businesses were beginning to flourish, and the children were becoming more neglected. Cohabitation was previously considered a preamble to marriage. But now cohabitation began to come up as a solution for divorcees to turn over a new leaf, avoiding a second brush with marriage. For young people it became an alternative to marriage itself. Now there is no doubt that it is a strong trend for long-term partnerships.



Divorce, in the meantime, has become quite commonplace. The divorce rates rose steadily over the years, before slumping in 2005, and it is hoped that the slump will persist. However, this is not a result of a sudden spurt of successful marriages all over the country. In fact, the number of marriages solemnised in 2005, has reached an all-time low when compared to the statistics for the past decade. So the best way to avoid getting divorced is not to get married at all.

Divorce and the Elderly



It is stunning but true, divorce rates among the sixty plus group have been on the rise for the past few years. More 55+ men and women are also getting married than ever before. The concept of the old man in ‘slippers and pantaloons’, shaking a disapproving finger at young women who leave their husbands, get a divorce, and then leave the child at home to go to work is a thing of the yester years. In fact, a jolly old granny, still working and glamorous, may start a new affair at 65. There is much support being offered on the part of the elderly where their grandchildren are concerned. More than 75% of grandparents in the UK are in favour of granting visitation rights to them too when their children divorce, and are ready to help the grand children tide over the troubled times under their care. However, most fight shy of providing continued financial support to the divorced offspring or to grand children.

Divorce and the Middle Aged



If we take the 40 – 55 group as middle-aged, the ruling trend is divorce, followed by remarriage. People of this age group are at the peak of their career, have children, and are earning well. They also divorce the least, and remarry quite often. Child care tendencies among them are also highest, and four out of five divorced mothers have voiced the opinion that they are willing to go out for work if they only had access to proper daycare for their children. Poverty among single parents is a major problem in this sector, and there are couples who are actually dragging on with a marriage because they know they won’t be able to give their children all that they need if they separated. The middle-aged group seems to be having the greatest variety of opinions as well, and survey results are highly uneven, suggesting that attitudes changed over localities, economies and cultures within the nation.

Divorce and the Young



Young people, 25 – 35, are losing faith in marriage. So divorce is not on the horizon. Those who do get married early are splitting soon. Divorce rates have been the highest among the 25 –29 group for five years now.

Divorce and Children



They are the worst-hit, and most neglected, despite all the awareness campaigns and support groups. Divorce, for them, is only pain and confusion from the unfair world of adults.



The changing face of marital relations is determining new family dynamics, which will have an adverse effect on the future of the society. We should bear in mind that children of divorce will become future citizens of tomorrow and our society will look very different because of them.

Absence of a parent: Divorce invariably alienates the child from one of the parents. In most cases, the custody is awarded to the mother. Therefore, most the children of divorce tend to grow up without having their father around for the most of the time. This trend of growing up without a significant presence of a father figure has adverse effects on the mental and physical well being of a girl as well as a boy child.



Growing up without one parent can lead to psychological problems amongst the children, which can directly have an impact on the society that we live in. Children growing up without one parent are more likely to have unstable relationships in future and are more likely to be confused about their gender. The latter can be especially true if the child is staying with the parent of the opposite sex.

Children of Divorce Tend More Likely to Become Delinquents: Recent studies have proved that children who grow up in a divorced home are more likely to engage in criminal activities. In fact, such children are likely to become delinquents by the age of 15, regardless of when the divorce occurred.



Boys who come from divorced families are twice as likely to end up behind the bars than boys from intact families. In addition, they also displayed signs of physical abuse, violence against women, child abuse, and drug abuse.

Children of Divorce likely to Experience Poverty: Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of schools because of lower academic achievement. Therefore, they are less likely to build successful careers, which will keep their standard of living low in their future. This increases their chances of poverty in their adult lives.

Impact of Divorce on Girls: According to recent studies, the impact of a divorce can be more pronounced amongst the girl child. Girls tend to skip school more frequently and display more depressive behaviour than the boys. In addition, girls tend to face self-esteem issues that can affect their personalities for the rest of their lives. They are more likely to engage in unsafe sex and become teenage mothers.

Impact on Stepchildren: The age of divorce has given rise to step relations. When divorced people tend to remarry, it can have far-reaching consequences for the children. Research indicates that stepchildren are abused physically, sexually, and psychologically than children from intact families. These circumstances further damage the fragile minds of the children, leading them to engage in disruptive behaviour in general as well as in their future relationships.

Divorce Impacts Health and Mental well being of Adults: Recent studies have indicated that married people are more likely to be happy and content with their lives. On the contrary, divorced individuals are more likely to face psychological problems of some kind.



The trauma of divorce and an unsuccessful relationship affects future relationships in a way that the cycle of unsuccessful relationships may become hard to break. This can partly be attributed to the attitude of people towards divorce.



Successful, mentally and physically fulfilling relationships, as we know, may cease to exist completely in the future. Divorced individuals are more likely to indulge in alcoholism and suicides. If such individuals have children, it can have extremely detrimental consequences of their psychological wellness.



High divorce rates will have an impact on how people plan their families. Most people tend to fear divorce and delay planning children because they adopt the approach of “wait and watch”. Some people tend to go through so many divorces in their lives that they never get a chance to plan for children. When individuals wait for too long to have children, they are bound to experience fertility problems.

Divorce Impacts The Quality of Life of Individuals: Married people are more likely to be productive on their job and subsequently, earn more. Therefore, they are likely to save more, have a better mental health and tend to live longer. On the contrary, divorced people tend to be less motivated and tend to be unhappy with their jobs, save less, and spend more because of their unfulfilling lives.

According to recent studies, men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide after divorce as compared to women. These studies have put an end to the famous mistaken belief that women suffer more after divorce.



Women have long been termed as emotional beings by their male counterparts. In fact, it is common for men to ridicule and even feel frustrated about the emotional quotient displayed by women. However, truth is, it is this emotional quotient that helps women cope with divorce far more easily than men. Women tend to make friendships on a far deeper emotional level than men do. These friendships help women deal with their feelings during and after the divorce process because women are able to talk to their friends about their concerns and problems.



Men, on the other hand, tend to form friendships wherein they can get to “hang out” with their friends but not talk about their deep inner feelings. Since men are not able to voice out their bitterness and hurt felt during the divorce, they tend to feel a void in their lives. In fact, it is common for men to seclude themselves from their friends because they do not even know how to have fun with their friends when their minds weigh so heavily with emotional baggage related to divorce.



Men tend to feel more shattered than women after the divorce because in most of the divorce cases involving children, the custody of the children is awarded to the mother. Therefore, all of a sudden, men find themselves to be a mere visitor in their child’s life, which can be a very tough emotion to deal with.



Children tend to act as stress busters during the divorce process because they become a source of love and support after divorce. While custodial mothers are able to reap the rewards of this love and affection and cope with divorce easily, non-custodial fathers tend to feel very lonely because they not only lose their status of being a husband but also of being a father.



It is common for men to blame themselves after the divorce because they feel that divorce could have been averted if they had been more sensitive to their troubled marriage. Truth is, no matter how much a wife complains about problems or concerns in a marriage, husbands mostly never understand the importance of these issues. For that reason, when wives file for a divorce, most husbands are in state of shock. When men are unable to deal with their feelings of guilt, bitterness, loneliness, and anger, suicide seems to be the only alternative.

Survival Strategies for Men to Avoid Suicidal Tendencies

• Communicate

  

  It is extremely important for men to talk about their feelings and concerns to someone that they can trust and depend on. Since many men do not know how to talk about their innermost feelings to their male friends, it might help if you seek help of a female friend or relative. Often, gaining insights to problems from a female perspective can be of huge help during such a tough time.

  

  If you feel that there is no one you can turn to, seek professional help. Professional therapists will not only help you to overcome your fears and problems but will also help you find solutions to these issues and fears. It is important to remember that your inner healing phase will not start unless you let out the bitterness, sadness, or frustration associated with divorce.

• Join a Divorce Support Group

  

  Joining a divorce support group is a good way to understand that you are not the only one in this tough situation. There are some divorce groups that specifically cater to the needs of divorced men. Joining these groups is a good way to find out what tools and strategies others have used to cope with the stress and problems related to divorce.

• Forgive and Move On

  

  Many times we are not able to move on with our lives after a bitter incident because we fail to forgive those who have caused us hurt and pain. However, truth is, the best way to relieve ourselves of our pain is to forgive the person who is the source of the pain. By forgiving and moving on with your life, you close a bitter chapter of your life and accept the outcome as an eventuality.

You may think that a divorce is just a matter of detaching yourself from someone that you used to be married to before. While this is true, it is also that a divorce can be a very painful process. If you think it is not why do not you try detaching your hand from your body? Your shuddering thats exactly how divorce should make you feel like you’re cutting a part of you away.


The effects of a divorce are varied and many depending on the people involved and the situation. They include;


Self centeredness:

Being a self centered person can drive your friends far away from you. When you talk only about yourself all the time and you don’t bother to inquire about how they are doing, you will no doubt be without friends soon.


Change of status:

When you get divorced, your status automatically changes. You become single again and that means no more double toilet sinks, or double beds, or double coffee mugs. It’s just you, yourself and well, you.


Divorce costs:

You will be faced with the prospect of spending money on several things during a divorce proceeding. The divorce lawyer‘s fees, the real estate developer’s fees and a host of other fees will have to be taken into cognizance before a divorce proceeding starts.


Alimony payments:

If you are a man in the middle of a divorce, you will be expected to arrange alimony for your ex wife. This means that you are expected to support your wife through out her lifetime. This is usually the case as the law recognizes the woman’s needs and believes in equality.


Child custody:

Child custody is a vital aspect of the divorce that you should be aware of. You and your spouse will need to come to a decision about who takes the kids.


New life:

Expect things to be very different once you are through with a divorce. You will be single again and that will not be the same thing as being married.


Moving on:

You will need to move on with your life and adjust to all the changes a divorce will bring.


Location change:

Depending on who got the house, you may have to move away from your marital home and find yourself a new home.


Kids psychology:

No matter how hard they may be to hide it, kids are affected by your divorce. You may have to take your kids to see a child psychologist in order to prevent any psychological condition from occurring.


Shopping:

You won’t shop for two anymore after a divorce. You will save money because you will end up spending less than you used to and that can be good, depending on how you look at it.


Fear:

Fear is the most common effects a divorce can have on anyone. Fear can result from loss, anger, frustration and even unforgiveness. Combating fear after a divorce will be your main problem. You will have to believe that you can make it alone.


Low self esteem:

A divorce can cause you to have a low self esteem. A divorce makes you doubt yourself and struggle with insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. Talking with shrink can help you handle these emotions. As I mentioned earlier, the effects of a divorce vary from person to person. What maybe negatively impactful for you maybe positive for another person.



Major Western countries like the United Kingdom, United States of America and Canada have been experiencing an increase in their national divorce rates. Except for a few exceptions, almost a majority of the European nations have become prone to witnessing increased divorce rates. Asia and Africa, except for a few countries like Japan and Korea were not in the same league as the Western nations, in respect of increases in their national divorce rates.



In many societies, the social condition of its women determines the degree of familial ties and bonding within the family. For the disease of divorce, the figures arrayed by the various international agencies have shown that the concept of Women’s Liberation so vocally and passionately espoused in the yesteryears, has gone beyond its intended brief.



Breaking male hegemony, increased financial independence, equality in the gender roles are all fine goals, but increasing intolerance and the inability to effectively integrate oneself into the family unit are on the increase. The new found power has gone to the head. Women are initiating the divorce with a vengeance. 69% of all divorce cases were initiated by women in 2004. Of these, 52% cited bad male behaviour as the root cause for seeking divorce! Where is the family headed, without the becalming effect of a wife or mother?



History has repeatedly played out the collapse of nation states, due to the selfish and unfettered individualistic ambitions of individual satraps. Within the citadel of a family, giving free expression to individualism is a positive quality, provided it does not endanger the fortification itself. Priority to family needs over individual needs has always been the social norm. However, the present day social thought does not disapprove the focussed quest for personal satisfaction, even if it drives a nail into the coffin of an institution, like marriage. ‘I, me and myself, come first!’



There was a time when, divorce was an unspeakable word and the church vows attained finality when death parted the couple. Divorce showered social ostracism onto the couple. The shame and stigma of it lasted a lifetime and was highlighted as a blot in the otherwise distinguished history of the family. Honour, social mores … all that was a long time ago. Consequent to the advent of easy divorce laws in the 1970s, it appears as if an ad campaign extolling divorce has been let loose among the populace.



No-fault divorce laws, easy divorce proceedings, almost pre-set favourable outcomes for child custody and alimony and a battery of advisors and agencies to help in going through with the divorce process. Why would anyone baulk at the prospect of divorce? Divorce proceedings are beginning to resemble an afternoon jaunt in the neighbourhood park. Easy come and easy go, even if the mess is of your doing!



‘Once bitten, twice shy’ is an inappropriate adage to describe the restraining power of a divorce, to prevent a recurrence. However, statistics have necessarily shown that there are second-time divorces and umpteenth-time divorces, too (Remember Joan Collins?). It seems that people just don’t want to learn from their mistakes, or are marriages meant for the heck of it? A couple of years down the line, after the divorce, the wedding bells toll to a new lease of married life for the divorced spouse. Thus remarriage breathes life into an after-life after divorce. Now you can walk into or out of marriage, at will!



What has the all-pervading society done about this slowly festering sore? Accept it and learn to live with it or dress it up and hope that it will heal on its own? The widespread social acceptance that it is best to terminate an incompatible relationship rather than to work on solving the problem, has almost established divorce as the only plausible solution to the ills of marriage. The fact, that rampant divorce has taken roots in the soil of society, has inured a broad spectrum of society from reacting to this negative event and thereby allowed the rot to progress.



Seeing the contribution of each of these factors to the mushrooming of divorce and the crumbling of marriage, the day is not far off when the act of marriage would be like changing your clothes!



It is difficult overcoming a human relationship, particularly if you’ve promised to be with one another forever and a day, but divorce can occasionally be a blessing. It is okay to cry for a few days, but you have put yourself back together and be active. Divorce isn’t the end of your life, it is just the end of a relationship. Although, that makes matters seem so casual, you may have other things that you need to focus on, rather than you marriage. If you have kids, this would be a great time to start concentrating on them more. Attend the movies, attend the mall, just do things with your children so that you will be able to center on something worth your time.



Thousands of people have experienced divorce, so you are not the only one. Why should you cry at any rate? It isn’t your fault that it did not work, you two in all probability were just at two different places in life. It is not because of you in person. There are so many things that you need to focus on that you may become overwhelmed, but that is alright, it is a natural feeling. Instead of going into a depression, you need to concentrate on what’s happening. You need to start the process.



The first method to breaking up perhaps may be therapy. You may want to go alone or you’ll be able to go with your partner. Even while it may seem too late for therapy, it will help you two be great parents. If you are able to get over all the issues and all the angry and you can validate one another’s feelings, than you are able to have a great relationship after the marriage. You may wish to go alone at the start. This way you can get all of your feelings out and you can discharge some of the anger and some of the pain. Therapy is a great getting going place because you can find yourself again and you can identify things that will help you advance.



There are a lot of questions that you may feel unanswered. Acknowledge that, this was an act of destiny. It could be the consequence of his activities, your actions, or both. All the same, no matter you can’t think of yourself as the trouble. Circumstance was the problem. There are certain aspects of the universe that draws people together and then apart, much like a magnet.



If you think of it in words of fate, you’ll find strength, and you will also find the courageousness to advance. This is just a chapter in the numerous books of your life. Do not concern as there will be love after divorce and there will be other exciting chapters of your life still to be read, so it is okay to release. You never know what you may find after this whole thing passes.



It could take weeks or months to touch on the fact, only you take as much time as it calls for. To end the crying, to end the hurt, you have to find additional things that make you happy and merely do them. If you find consolation in friends, be with them as much as possible. If you’ve children, it goes the same. If you would truly care to stop the crying, you’ll get out of bed, brush your teeth, get dressed up, and attend dinner, with acquaintances, or family, or yet by yourself. Getting up and looking like one hundred bucks will begin the action of letting go.



If you feel alone or blue, contact somebody that you love will support you and talk. Talking assists everything. Share your feelings, and whatever you do, do not isolate yourself. You ought to be with people who love you during this time of need.

So what is the most crucial secret you need to know to have a successful divorce?

It is the simplest secret, yet the most difficult one to master: Controlling your emotions!

I coach many women who just can’t seem to understand and follow this one piece of advice. Usually by the time they come to see me they have made quite a mess of things. I have coached women who have been divorced for years and still can’t control their emotions when it comes to their ex-husband!

Granted you are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face in your life, and so you may feel angry, hurt, sad, and confused.

It will take immense stamina and self-control, but you must get—and keep—control over your emotions. Your ability to do so will affect everything from how you fare financially to how your children adjust.

Losing control and showing emotion is how you lose this war. Do not be fooled, divorce is a war. You need to prepare for battle and master the art of winning the divorce war.

How do you control your emotions when you feel like you just want to scream?

1.Do not speak to your soon-to-be ex-husband unless absolutely necessary. When you do engage in conversation, speak only about your children or other important issues. Control the temptation to tell him that he is an idiot or you hate him! When you feel that you want to say something derogatory, get off the phone or walk away. Remember self-control!

2.Resist the urge to spy on him, ask neighbors and friends about what he is doing, or grill the kids about his girlfriend. I have known women to make prank calls to their husbands, drive by their ex’s homes repeatedly, and do other crazy things that were used against them in a courtroom. One woman was actually sued because she wrote a nasty comment about her ex’s girlfriend on the Internet. She didn’t even refer to this woman by name, but the implication was enough for the judge to give her a guilty verdict and a fine.

3. Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a jerk your ex-husband is! Anger is like a fire that needs fuel to grow. The more you talk negatively about your ex, the angrier you will become and thus increase the chance of losing your temper.

Overall, think about the outcome you desire. Do you want to have the judge presiding over your divorce respect you, or do you want to look like an angry, bitter wife who is out of control?
Most people lie in family court, which is why judges rely on their own impression of a couple to see if the husband or wife appears more credible. Your behavior outside of the courtroom is crucial. Out-of-control behavior will almost always wind up back in the courtroom and cost you dearly.
So see a therapist, meditate, do whatever it takes to gain self-control. This is imperative at every stage: when you are thinking about getting a divorce, during the process, or even if you are already divorced. Your ex-husband is not going to go away, unfortunately, so you will need to find a way to deal with him in a calm and dignified manner.



Since women are the ones who undergo a lot of emotional turmoil during and after the divorce process, they are at a bigger risk of settling for an unfair financial settlement. As a woman, you may be tempted to get over and done with the divorce process as soon as possible so as to put an end to the bitter trauma that you may be experiencing. However, doing so can have disastrous consequences. It is common for women to slip below the poverty line after divorce. Since women are financially vulnerable after divorce, they need to be over-cautious about their finances during and after divorce.

Why Are Women Financially Vulnerable After Divorce?



Women mostly tend to assume the role of a caretaker in a marriage. Therefore, it is common for women to sacrifice their careers in order to take care of their home and family. It is only when divorce is in the offing that women realise that the decision to quit their high-rising careers was a big mistake.



Divorce brings with a lot of changes; you may have to leave your marital home and your financial status may not remain what it used to be. Looking for a new house can be challenging especially if you have children. You may want your children to live in the same neighbourhood to ensure that they still feel close to their friends and familiar surroundings but doing so may mean shelling out more money if the neighbourhood is an expensive one.



If you have been a stay-at-home mom, you may have look for another job to support yourself. If you have children and you are the custodial parent, the task at hand can be tougher. You will have to ensure that your new job not only supports your lifestyle but also that of your children. Many women have no clue about how to take care of monthly finances or yearly savings. Since women rarely involve themselves in financial planning sessions with their husbands, they are more likely to feel financially vulnerable after divorce.

Why Do Many Women Slip Below Poverty Line?



Recent studies have proved that as many as 53.4% of the single mothers with children are below the poverty line. In addition, studies also prove that while men tend to experience only a 10% drop in incomes post-divorce, women are likely to experience as much as 30% drop in income after divorce.



The main reason for this is that when women tend to start their careers after taking a long break from their careers, they do not get hired for highly skilled jobs. In addition, many single custodial mothers can only afford to take up part-time work because the cost of child-care far outweighs the benefits of a fulltime job.

Financial Tips to Make Ends Meet



• If you have no idea about financial planning, it would make sense to gain some knowledge about basic financial planning. For this, you need not enrol yourself in a costly course; researching the Internet is a cost-effective way to gain knowledge on this subject. Research about your savings options such as ISAs, allowances such as jobseeker’s allowance, and basic state pension schemes.



• Make sure that you claim all the benefits that you are entitled to. If you are on low income and want to stay in your marital home rather than anywhere else, the housing benefit scheme in the UK can be very helpful. This scheme can help you towards making your mortgage interest payments when you have a low income stream.



• If you would like to stay in a rental house, you may be eligible for a rent allowance or rent rebate. You will need to contact your local council to get more details about this allowance. Your local council or Citizens Advice Bureau will also be able to assist you if you do not have a home or cannot afford a home.


• You would need to make sure that you claim your full state benefits that you may be entitled to. These may include but are not limited to winter fuel payments, pension credit, and council tax benefit. Single mothers are also entitled to tax credits and costs related to childcare.

A contested divorce consumes a lot of time and money and may drag on for years, thus prolonging your suffering. Besides, the courts have a lot of power at their disposal, and may sometimes give verdicts which are beyond your expectations and are undesirable. This wastage of time, money and emotional energy will not only pinch you in the present, but may have serious repercussions for your post-divorce life. The money, time and effort you save in an uncontested divorce, may be well spent, supporting your children and yourself after the divorce. Also, you will end up with less of emotional garbage to dispose off. In simple words, a conventional divorce is full of hassles and can be avoided. Things always do not have to be necessarily tough, to yield good results. Sometimes an easy way out is possible and you certainly deserve that.



An uncontested divorce is one in which the two spouses amicably resolve all the issues concerning their divorce, on their own, without resorting to protracted court hearings. Whether you can opt for an uncontested divorce or not, will depend on a number of factors. First and foremost, the intensity of conflict between the two spouses should be relatively mild and both should have reasonable levels of communication with each other. This should be backed by a sincere desire to get over with the divorce, as soon as possible. However, in situations, where there exists a history of domestic violence and abuse, the aggrieved spouse certainly deserves appropriate redressal through a court, and an uncontested divorce is not possible. Also, if either of the spouses is non-cooperative and vicious, one may have to go for a contested divorce. Still an uncontested divorce certainly has many advantages over a contested one and is hassle free. Besides being time saving and economic, it gives you the opportunity to avoid sorting out your grievances in the public. The biggest advantage is that an uncontested divorce is soft on the children. Both the parents are able to deal with the situation, without exposing the children to unwarranted conflict and hatred. You can comfortably settle the things, in the privacy of your home. It certainly demands an optimum awareness regarding the law, on the part of both the spouses.



The secret of having a hassle free divorce is to choose mediation or collaboration over litigation. In an ideal scenario, it will be best if both the spouses sit together and sort out the issues amongst themselves, without any external help. You don’t have to be a lawyer to do so. Many genuine online divorce services are available, which can help you with the documentation and render legal advice, at a fraction of the cost, which the lawyers will charge you. However, if you feel that anger and irritability may hamper any productive communication between you and your spouse, you can go for mediation. A mediator is a sort of counselor who acts neutral and specializes in creating a congenial environment, in which both the spouses can settle their divorce issues like family support, child custody, division of property and visitation. When it comes to actual settlement, both the parties can appoint their personal attorneys, to see things from their perspective and draft the settlement agreement as per their requirements. On the contrary, in collaboration, both the parties hire their attorneys and allow them to settle the issues amongst themselves, out of the court. Both are appropriate and hassle free methods of forging a divorce and cost much less in terms of time and resources.



You can no doubt have an easy and smart divorce. The need is to exhibit restrain and patience. If your spouse is not cooperating, try to convince him/her. The chances are that he/she may see the light and save your family from an endless ordeal.