The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:



1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.



Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.



2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.



Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.



3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.



It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”



4. Be brief and sincere.



It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.



5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.



Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.



6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.



7. Remember that each child is unique.



Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.



8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.



Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.



9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.



Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.



10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.



Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.



11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.



Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.



12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.



Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

Divorce can often adversely affect your daily life and job. People are bound to feel very upset, angry, anxious, and stressed during the time of the divorce. These feelings can continue to dominate a person’s mind long after the divorce is over. It is not easy to let go of a marriage that you thought would last forever and accept failure of your marriage so easily. Therefore, it is common for people to brood about the circumstances.



Some people keep thinking about what they could have done differently so that their marriage would have survived. Dealing with all these thoughts is not easy. Consequently, when people reach their offices with such kind of a mindset, it becomes very hard for them to concentrate on their work. Even when they want to focus on their work, their thoughts keep going back to the past circumstances and events.



There is some amount of stress involved in every job. However, during or after a divorce, the usual job stress also becomes very hard to handle because a divorced person already feels a lot of stress due to divorce and change of living conditions.



If the divorced person is a custodial parent, he or she is bound to feel more responsible for the children because he or she needs to take care of the children all on his or her own. You may have shared the responsibility of your children all this while but all of a sudden, taking care of your children’s homework, whereabouts, and their lives becomes your duty. This can be a very daunting task. Consequently, you are bound to spend more time and energy in household tasks than at work.



Most single fathers struggle to get their children ready for school, make their breakfast, pack their lunch, and drop them off to school Therefore, by the time they reach their offices, they begin to feel tired already. After all, running a household by yourself and taking care of the children is no child’s play. The entire morning energy that used to be concentrated on office work alone gets divided between office work and household work. Therefore, it is highly likely that their productivity at work will be adversely affected.



If you are a single mother who has just started working, life can be no easier for you either. Getting into the job market after a long gap can be an intimidating task. In the beginning, it is important to make your mark at your new job to show that you are the best person for the job. This may require long and hectic hours at work. Coming back from work and managing your house can seem like a stretch for most part of the week.



Many people feel that they need to spend more time with their children after the divorce in order to make the children feel comfortable about the new living arrangements. Therefore, it is not uncommon for people to give up job promotions that require them to put in more number of hours at work or job movements that require them to relocate to other cities. Therefore, the career graph of divorced people cannot make an upward shift during and shortly after the divorce process because of their personal commitments.



Once people settle down in their lives with their changed set of circumstances, they are bound to immerse themselves in their jobs. Diverting their energies towards their jobs helps people beat stress and think about future goals and achievements rather than failures of the past.

How to Minimise the Effects of Divorce on Your Career and Day-to-Day Performance?



Most people have a very tough time coping with the challenges posed by their careers during this time of crisis. Therefore, we have come up with a few tips that can help you minimise the effects of divorce and maximise your job performance.

• View your job and your work as an outlet for relieving stress rather than a source of it.
• Seek professional help if you are unable to let go of the bitterness associated with the divorce.
• Socialise with your colleagues and friends at work. This can prove to be a good stress buster. Once you start to enjoy doing that, you will look forward to coming to work.
• If you are unable to strike a balance between your personal life and work life due to long hours or additional responsibilities at home, ask your boss if you can work from home till the time things get sorted out.